Hi David 17-11-2007

To myself 17-11-2007

He Alexandra 16-10-07

Stop reading my body. Its not a book nor an key nor a tool, not a signpost that gives directions. It's only flesh and yes, the uncleaned edges of my nails might mean something, as much as the uncut eyebrow, the slow pulse of my growing tootache, the locked shoulders and my beard wherein you spotted some grey hairs, may mean something, but my physical presence is no mirror of my soul, it doesn't provide you with the ammunition to kill my presence, I do not live in the shadows and surely my body is no terrain for incursive reparations as if your purifying gestures would tune my being into harmony. It is no mirror except for your own, you the image of boundless perfection that cannot stop, invades me, conquers me, drowns my love.

He David 13-10-07

I compared you with spiderman, that's true, but that was because sometimes you have to use metaphors for pedagogical purposes just like they used the cross and a bleeding body to make the abstraction of Almighty God visible etc. and so it is with spiderman as well. Who could understand that you acquired special powers? So no negative qualification intended (why do you assume that so often?). On the contrary: i am so amazed about your metamorphosis. Take yesterday when i was lecturing about this Shock-doctrine, the evol powers in the world that use a state of shock to push through their nasty neo-liberal policies. Irak, Honduras, China, Japan. Stunde 0. Destruction, shock, the nothingness, the bare post-atomic landscape that is invaded for egoistic purposes. And i was impressing the audience. They got so angry at all these evol manipulators. I went from 1789, to 1871, and back to 1848 and forward to 1917, 1989 and 2001 and then you softly remarked that destruction can be creative, that the helpless can be shocked into the right direction and then you quoted Meister Eckhart and although the other people liked my negative speech more because it justified their abstract anger, this mysterious words that nobody seemed to understand hit me in the face.

Hi sister 13-10-07

Maybe you should consider freedom for what it really is. You are not a piece of matter that is moved back and forward by cosmic and earthly forces. The evol others, merciless society, the gods, or even Almighty God are not behind your steering wheel. Instead of prayer and prozac you should look the dark undercurrent of Freedom straight in the eyes. A friend said to me last night: 'What freedom, what responsibilities.' And that's what it is. A burden maybe? But the stuff you carry can be sculpted like wax in the forms you imagine. It makes you into a magician. You have always been a magician. Do you remember these extraordinary stories you wrote when you were a child?

ps: on the card the leftovers of a present i once bought for you but forgot to give. It will come your way.

Hi Ems 30-9-2007

What if the cure worsens the pain? You pull out the stitches and then look closely to the wound and what if you find out that its deeper and darker and dirtier than you thought. So much for a cathartic enlightenment as a bonus for digging up the sources of your sorrow. I believe in the survival value of denial and more than that: painting over your bright history with dark colours. 'We never had fun'. 'That was all in illusion'. All the time convincing yourself that the past was a rehearsal for better things to come. Things can only get better. What nonsense. The skeletons i dig up are made of diamants. I see you, that first image that still bewilders me, you in the Art Institute, in that big dormitory almost compeletly abandoned for the summer break, you in these bright yellow red hotpants with blue flowers on it with matching top. Even a night alone in a dorm was occasion enough for you to shine like a diamond. And i just stood there. Watching. Longing. Dreaming. What cure is there in digging this up to overcome my past when i dont want to overcome anything. In wanna be there. Impossible as it might be.

ps: and yeah, rumours are correct. I am seeing someone if seeing is the approriate term here because i only see yellow red and blue.

Hi brother 9-9-2007

As i lay there in the park i tried to remember where things went wrong. There was you acting like you owned the place, the champagne you ordered and spilt on every irrestible bitch that you could spot, the redberrie-wodka's and redberrie wodka's and how you gave me a lecture about my history of female failure, this elaborate theory about the correlation between my money failures and girlfriends leaving me especially Ems that you described as 'my only trophý woman' that vindicated my poor history with that stupid bitch Doris and what i weener i was for still wanting to be a 'sincere good friend' for Ems and that i should really do something and act and here take another wodka little brother and hit on the bar woman and, jesus, i was so drunk, i tried to hit on her and could think of nothing better than to compare her beauty with that of Vanesse Williams the first coloured woman to win the crown of Miss America and how she lost that when nudi pictures of her past hit the playboy pages and how she redeemed herself with that stupid 'sometimes the earth goes around the moon' ballad until things went really wrong because i heard myself reciting a Philip Larkin poem to her about how your parents fuck you up, they do not mean to but the do, they fill you with your faults they have and add some extra just for you and then there was nothing left to do then to leave the club and find this park to lie on the grass and think about where things went wrong.

Hi Alexandra

You not being relevant is not relevant. It's like this new Public Enemy album that is still good but not relevant like their older work was. Not that your work ever was relevant. It just is what it always has been: beautiful and well crafted and, not unimportant, well sought after. But the marketprice never is an indicator. I can see your angriness now when your read this and i know that when i again repeat that David's work is relevant you are on the verge of killing me, or worse: calling me an ignoramus. But in the end: that is not relevant.
Hope to see u soon.
Love, Antonius

Hi David

You have to trust me here, David. Did you really think that i valued his company more than yours? I was NOT making fun of your seven steps program of self-improvement. These are not jokes. They are nothing more than products of the general law of parties, or better: the laws of money. This guy is rich and there's no better way then sell those macho's art at a high price than giving them the idea that the artist responsible (that's YOU David) is a shy, scary animal that subdues to him, the lion of the stock market. Dont get me wrong: it's not that i make fun of you in order to fill my (and thereby your) pockets. I thought you understood the irony. This whole soliloquy about how the graphics of money markets are the new abstract art and the investors the new artist that change our conception of the world...you must have felt that i was making fun of the guy. And when it comes to your selfimprovement: surely thats not a question of cars, hot chicks and big houses like i suggested for theatrical effect. But in all sincerity, steps won't work for me. I see myself as a circle. Trapped. Everybody is looking for the ladder, but it doesnt exist.

Hi Ems

When it happened i had this flashback to this moment when you and me went to the gym. I never understood the physicality of the body. My body was always just there, plain and simple, not as on object of improvement. You seemed to feel aroused by the machine like movement of your body in that gym. I felt a victim to useless machine induced contractions. Ans then i saw that big guy with the t-shirt saying 'Pain is weakness leaving the body'. That made me realize that i was in another league then you. I always felt weak beside you even though i thought violence was a lack of manners. Today the history of violence began. There was this car driver giving another driver the finger that was so friendly to stop for me so that i could cross the street. Something happened to me. I was on my way to my father and was in need of friendly people. This finger just made me go bezerk. Then it all went blank. I kicked his car and when the man came out the history of violence began as my body become an instrument of pain leaving my body and entering his.

Hi Mom

Of course i will take care of that. It's just that i love the garden so much as it is. It has a random quality and it breaths fertility as if the plants try to send a message that life will not evaporate as soon as caring hands loose their strength. And the weed? This overwhelming force of regeneration, this persistence of unwanted weed (i never understood the difference between weed and plants) to reappear should be an inspiring lesson. But perhaps i think to much in metaphors but then again: so do you. There should be no shame, mom, really. Dont think the neighbours will take the beautiful chaos in the backyard as a mirror of your character. They know what's going on. They know you always take care of things. They love you. I love you.

Hi bro 15-7

The guy sitting next me said: 'Just leave it there. They hire someone to clean it. Let's not put him out of work.' So all this popcorn that had fallen out of te huge bucket that he tipped over while leaning more into here inviting thighs, stayed there on the floor. It crunched under my feet while i dully left the cinema contemplating if i should kill this guy here on the spot. The movie was already sad in the sense that it was really bad. Now i felt anger as well, partly because this stupid idiot reminded me of you when you give one of your this-is-good-for-the-economy speeches with that confident priest-like smile that communicates that 'what's good for the economy is good for us all'. And yet, for all your amoral money making, the hedge fund magic that pleads to serve the general good while investing in child labour, weapon industry and other means of destruction, i also had to deal with the thought that you would have said something to this guy, that you would have done the right thing without using force, even making the guy feeling better about cleaning up his own mess. This realization made me feel guilty. I feel a lot of guilt these days. Even because of the toiletpaper i use. My luxurious, lily white toiletpaper is produced at the expensive of the rainforest. Trees - paper - shit - forest gone.

ps: yeah, i will be able to 'check out' your 'new toy' although you know i never was into sailing. It's just to do you a favour.

Hi Ems 14-7-07

You said you wanted to touch the sea. You ran off like a child and i just stood there, lukewarm champagne in one hand, your handbag in the other. You giving me your drink and bag made me assume that this intimacy between you and the sea was something that i had no part to play in. But i was involved. This unmeditated love of the sea made me understand that all your blablabla about how you made fun a routine, a daily job with rules and obligations, was actually true.
I observed you this whole evening, a habit from the past that i cannot give up. It's not exactly spying. It's just that i have to see how you play, laugh and interact with other people. This shameless fun making, this startling ability to make people work, pay, do anything for you. This unstoppable smile. But i didn't see any joy, not like the way you laughed when you decided to touch the sea. No routine when you sighed me to come over because you wanted me to see the dazzling complexity of foam, like how it resembles a house of mirrors, the structure of the galaxy and i might add, how it resembles you.

Hi Doris 13-7-07

I am not gonna apologize. Not because i am ignorant or arrogant. Not because i didnt mean it this way. Not because i said something without thinking. Not because i have a clean mind. Not because i forgot where it was all about. Not because i promised myself to stop apologizing to everyone all the time. Not because i am not to blame. Not because i dont want to be like Jesus. I am not gonna apologize because i simple do not know what the hell your are talking about.

Hi dad 9-9-07

Change is natural, is that what you are trying to say? I always assumed that something was true because it was solid, did not change, like that goddam Moses of you and his stone table. I just gotta say that your tv-mania puts my 'solid' upbringing in a different perspective. 'Tv kills the imagination,' that was one of your 'eternal' truths. For god's sake: I had to sneak to our creepy neighbours to see some Miami Vice and World Wide Wrestling. Not that i really liked these shows. It's just that you had to see them to blend in socially. What irritates me most is that outrageous speech you gave me spanning from Plato's unjustified degradation of the visible to McMluhan's 'like angels we know everything', from Schelling's philosophy of art to Hegels everchanging universe wherein every detail is intimately linked with the general. 'The TV as a god's eye point of view'. What bullshit to justify your laziness. Or maybe you tried to make fun of my old habit of intellectual justifying my own weaknesses. Ok, i give you that: the speech was phenomenal. Continued on the other postcard...

...But i didn't experience any 'mystical correspondences' in the 'radical visualization of the Here and Now' as if we were úsing 'God's all seing eye'. I did see a hawkeye though that reconstructs recent history concerning lines and tennisballs, i saw thousands of marriages, naked women dancing to save the earth, i saw a thick man and a blue globe, people yelling because the bricks around the corner turned out to be a miracle. I saw bikes, more tennisballs, more wonders, more music, more naked women. But these were all just fragments, trivia like percentages of first and second serves, the amount of winners and unforced errors, the average speed of a racecar, a bike, the total of people watching live earth on tv. All neatly calculated and represented. But it doenst add up to anything. It's just there and i can see it on tv.

ps: I will take 'Grey''s anatomy and 'Lost' with me next time to feed your tv hunger. Stay well.

Hi David 8-7-07

This is for your collection. I especially like the camerashots where there's only the erogene zones, no face, no identity, just ass. Shakira is really into that. And that gaze. Check it out. These girls or so porno. Compare that to our miserable youth with nice girl Debbie Gibson and Tiffany in her wide sweater.
Did you ever notice that guys in porn movies dont look into the camera. I found out that that was a iron rule. Man are forbidden to look into the camera. Only woman look at you to create the illusion that's its actually you doing the work. Go figure.
I would love to see how the work on your skin - nature - naked - porn collages is evolving. A few of my customers are really interested. I know you see this as a side project. But there's no shame in making money with something that you consider less valuable. It's just consumption. I'll be around next week.

Hi Ems 6-7-07

Vacation proves how hard it is to be happy. E. drove me crazy last night. The more he drank the more fiercely he talked about planning his Rambo-like workout program. To look good is to look hard. His stomach should resemble a knight's harnas. I had other six packs in mind in my vacation forecast. Yet, i did a set of goddam sit-ups to start my day. For a while i thought that was the sort of work out that kept your body in shape. How wrong was i. You always had a way of mixing pleasure with the pratical. Did you hear that project developpers are going to destroy the Island? Another 'lieu de memoire' erased. How many miles did i aimlessly stroll there as a method for dealing with the pain. Did i ever tell you that i went to the stupid rollercaster as if it was a grave, this place where you began all that talk about finding someone higher up in the foodchain. Call you next week when i'm around.

Hi sis

Life is NOT a circle, unless you mean we are circling around like a planet in it's orbit. But then again, i hate the suggestion that MY life (compared to your 'harmonious' life) is movement without direction. How could you possible say that. Dont get me wrong. You know that i love you, but never ever give me the -live-has-a-destination,-everything-comes-full-circle lecture again. And certainly NOT when she's around. Now here we have an example of movement without direction. Utter chaos. She IS an asylum. No suburbian house, nice child and steady job will ever succeed to mask that. Let me be.

He Dad

...with the stuff of upcoming dreams.
But no, it's real. I just stood there and couldn't believe my eyes. IT'S EXACTLY HER! Just for a second i considered the possibility of a miracle. Maybe you are right after all. But that's just humbug. Still, she was there on the portrait and i have seen her with you day in day out. I have a good memory for faces. It's Maria Magdalena. She made me think of redemption and eternal life and how convenient that would be. I'll visit you soon. Any DVD's you like me to take with me to pass the time?

Hi Doris

Hi Doris 2-7-07

Sorry that i couldn't make it last night. I could make an excuse but you will a) not believe it b) believe it but not accept it c) think that i have changed for the worst. Maybe that's the thing. Whatever you say: i did not change. It's just that i revealed more of myself that was allready there. You not accepting that hurts me. Maybe that makes me wanna hide right now. Is that the reason for my absence? I don't know. All i know is that the clouds were beautifull today. And my breakfast reminded me of your obessive precicion. Does this mean anything?

Hi David

...i had a bad start. You know how peculiar i am about my morning coffee. The filter collapsed. My coffee ruined. I just couldn't get that out of my head. Bad coffee, bad start, bad day. So i didnt phone this guy that might be interested in your latest painting. Dont be angry. I know you are short of money. Who isn't. But i wanted to be on the safe side today. I only took a long walk and enjoyed the flowers. Sometimes i have this overwhelming feeling that human beings dont have to make art. Beauty is not a human invention. Well, that's what the flowers tell me. Dont call me.

Hi mom

...the good news is that i spent it on usefull things. You see: i do listen to you! I guess i even felt quilty all these times i destroyed my funds with drinking, long vacations, expensive gifts for my 'bad' girlfriends and other sorts of idle debauchery. But guilt doesnt pay the bills anymore. I've changed. I still spent more money than i have, but it's different now. I bought a juice machine just like the one you always used to have. God, sometimes i really miss being a child, waking up, going to he kitchen and finding my fresh orange juice there. You dont realize what you have until its gone.

See u soon mom.